Sugar, spice & everything Nic

Eccedentesiast. Weird & Awkward. Masochist. A Hopeless Romantic with a Dirty Mind. Introvert. Dre▲mer. Jeune Pour Toujours ~ twitter.com/niccortejo

truth

"There are times where just the thought of you comes to mind from nothing other than the memories my heart will always replay for me. It would be the biggest lie I ever told if I said that I do not miss you because I do. I know that I always will. Just as your memory brings me smiles, it brings me tears as well. But I’m okay with that, more than okay. I cannot be anything less than grateful for the time I had to share my world with yours. No one could ask for anything more when someone has already shown them all they could and the path to the rest of the world with it.”

To The Person Who I Thought Was The One

To you,


This is a letter I never wanted to write, but I am left with no other choice. You see, my eyes have finally ran out of tears and now they must flow from my hands into words that will remain in their inherent truth, words that finally will be heard.

Time after time, you have proven yourself to be a liar and a thief, stealing the truth and time from the one who trusted you most, the one who loved you so fiercely it defied logic and limits. But that same love has blinded me, rendered me defenseless in this twisted struggle for power… the only thing you truly love.

Your words and your actions don’t match up. Love is not exploiting and emotionally manipulating the one who loves you. Love is not luring me in and then keeping me hanging. Love is not doing all this while pursuing countless other people shamelessly. Love is not saying “I love you” in order to ensure your power over me. You do not love me, you love the control you hold over me. I am simply a convenience to you, the best thing present at the moment, one easily discarded until the next best comes along.

How dare you declare that you miss me, that you want me, that you love me, while you act in a way that declares the complete opposite?

I regret telling I love you that day. Not because the words were false, but because the words mean nothing to you. To you, they’re just an admittance of my vulnerability, an indication that you are now winning the game that I am to you.

Now I am enraged, I am infuriated, every fiber of my being is angry.

I’m angry for even allowing myself to be fooled into even considering the possibility of an “us” again, that you have changed, that you no longer will harm me anymore. As much as you claim to “love” me, you certainly love hurting me more.

I’m angry because I allowed myself into the inevitable path of your destruction once more.

I’m angry because I was blinded by hope and love to see you for what you truly are and not what you could be — what we could be.

I’m angry that you even dare to say you love me, because it is the greatest lie in your life. I’m angry that each day, my hearts screams its love for you, because it is the greatest truth in my life.

But most of all, I’m angry that this is reality. But someone must start to become honest with themselves and it starts with me. I never wanted it to become like this, for me to have to cut you and a piece of me with it, out forever. We could have been so much more, we could have experienced life and grew together, and we could have actually seen the beauty of a pure, deep love manifest itself in our lives.

But this is our reality. And I cannot place my precious hopes, love, and time into hands that only now how to destroy. I must place them into hands that can build, and that starts with myself. Heartbreak has shaped me, scarred me, but it also has saved me. I deserve far more than your deception and manipulation. I deserve far more than your selfish attempts to regain control over me that are disguised as you innocently “reaching out”, the ones that always leave me in pieces.

There is no longer any point in fighting for something that will never be, much less competing for it against others. Maybe that’s what want: to win a battle of who cares less, of who holds the power. And maybe, just maybe, these girls are your weapons in doing so. Well, congratulations, you now have that them, and by extension, your victory. I am bowing out of this game you have created and entangled me in. I refuse to be fooled by the notion that there is any shred of truth in your “love” for me. If it were indeed true, you would never ignore me for days upon days while further pursuing multiple girls shamelessly.

When you look at them, I hope you see what you threw away. When you kiss them, I hope you taste my words on their lips, and when you sleep with them, you remember the way our bodies fit so perfectly as one.

And if you treat them all like you have treated me, you will spend the rest of your days without knowing how to accept to love without destroying the one giving it to you.

As for me, I would rather live the rest of my days completely alone than have to endure another minute of the self-inflicted misery that is loving someone who only knows how to hurt. It is a hell I have trapped myself in for far too long, allowing myself to cling to shreds of hope and the notion that I didn’t deserve any better. No more will I dance with the devil, no longer shall I be consumed in your flames of destruction, and no longer will I suffocate from your smoke.

Because no one deserves this, especially not me. I am the one who gave her heart to you time and time again. I am the one who loved you with a love that burned so intensely and deeply, a love that may never truly cease radiating in my heart.

I let parts of myself die in your name. But I won’t let them live for you. I refuse to give all my life and love to a boy who lets it slip through his fingers and then proceeds to step on it on his way to his next pursuit. I am not a pawn in your games, I am not the trash you love to throw out.… I am a human being and eternal soul who deserves nothing less the same amount of the respect and love as she gives.

If there is ever comes a time when you can truly love me — not through your words that elicit false hope, but with your actions — then and only then may you talk to me.

By that time, maybe it will be too late. Maybe it won’t be.

But until then, I cannot and will not bear this burden any longer.

From,
The One who was.

by Juliana Longo

The Process Of Mending A Broken Heart

You gave me life again. You helped me prove to myself that I have the capacity to love selflessly and commit to something I believe in without fear. You put band-aids on my emotional wounds and you carried my baggage with me for several months. You helped me realize that relationships are about working for what you believe in and helping the other person grow and blossom. You taught me to accept and embrace my passionate sexuality and desire and you let me give in to it with you. You showed me that not all men are untrustworthy, and some will look you in the eyes and tell you that you deserve better, you deserve the best, and then they will give it to you. You showed me that we could be independent together. You made me love myself and my body. You forced me to look deep within myself and conquer the fears I’ve been too scared to face alone. You let my heart feel sunlight again. You gave me life.


You hurt me, too. You didn’t understand or want to understand my emotional complexities. You were too fragile to let me express my full self unashamed and uninhibited. You didn’t know that I wanted to be protected. You didn’t understand why music moved me to tears. You wouldn’t look me in the eyes. You stood outside my walls and told me it was okay to let you in but you weren’t strong enough to keep those walls from caving in on us. You were immature and afraid. I think I scared you with my intensity. You didn’t want to try for me. I fought for us the whole time, even though I knew it would end like this. Two separate species will never walk together in harmony for long.

But I will take this immense, soul shattering hurt and I will acknowledge it and let it go. I will not let it callous my heart and make me resentful. I will understand that this was meant to be a transition into my new happiness. You were not the one to keep me, you were the one to guide me to the point of self acceptance and give me permission to show off my full brilliance when the next one comes along.

I’ll grow stronger and wiser without you and my thick skin will protect me, not inhibit me, and I’ll find someone who loves me as I am now, not who I’ll be in three years when it’s convenient for him. And I’ll love him more than I ever loved you because there won’t be any conditions to our love.

It will just be.

I will understand that I deserve someone who appreciates me body, mind and soul, who will look at me every day and see me as a blessing. This person will come to me, I don’t need him, because I have become someone who is fearless and passionate on my own. I will learn how to sleep alone again. I will not forget that my nature cannot be changed, I will always be a gypsy spirit. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love.

I will plant my own garden and decorate my own soul, instead of waiting for someone else to bring me flowers. I will set myself free and run wild again.

by Anna Kimura via Thought Catalog

best friends my ass

if things don’t  work out do you immediately say goodbye or do you wait and hope for things to change and expect it to go according to plan? i remembered like it was just yesterday since the last time we spoke. its been two weeks of complete silence, totally nothing. they say there’s nothing good that happens after 2am, but there’s an additional truth: dont ever tell someone you like them when you’re drunk cause it could only lead to either good or bad: you get rejected straight up or or or you end up being together. and guess what, this story is the rejection.

"i think i like you, but i dont want to say it" i think my problem is i fall too easy. "why dont you tell him?" cause i know i will get hurt. "ahh, why not? let me call him" oh, here we go again "hello? hi. i like you. i kinda do" oh boy.

after that conversation with myself, eveything was a blur. the only thing i remembered is the fact that he told me he wanted to remain friends cause he wanted to focus on his studies and his career, but yeah, i know, i understand, even though i saw this coming, it still hurts cause i expected too much. 

i just really thought we had this connection. we have a lot in common and i really liked him cause he’s sarcastic and he’s an asshole. i remembered that line from 500 Days of Summer: “we’re not friends! this is not how you treat your friend! you dont shower together or sleep together! this is bullshit. why dont you just admit that we’re more than that?” well, i dont remember the whole line as it was said in the movie, but cmon, i know you get the idea. and in this case, i never thought i will ever be Tom. it sucks.

i just dont get it really. but its not really a problem that we wont settle into a relationship cause i know we’re both not ready to committ, but why do he have to leave all of a sudden? haven’t i made myself clear that it’s okay and that im not requiring him to be my boy, i just want him to be there when i need someone to talk to, and yes, i understand all his struggles and all his dreams, why does he have to do this? i cant stop thinking am i the problem? am i that difficult to love? ako ba yung hindi makaintindi? ewan ko. i just dont really get it. why does he make it seem so easy to not talk to someone you used to spend every single moment with to just completely nothing? like i never existed? am i that easy to forget?

it just sucks when you value someone so much then you realize you’re  worth nothing to them. i just dont get it why he left like im not important when he said that i was. maybe, it was all lies. i wanted to hurt him so much, like throw him in a pit of fire or skin him to death, i dont care how much it will hurt him cause he never thought about what i would feel.

this was never meant to be a love story, rather a lesson. i should’ve known better. but still, love is all about taking the leap of faith and the risk right? you’ll never know unless you try. in the end, no regrets. so lesson learned, never admit how you feel unless they tell you how they feel first or or or never expect, cause it will only lead to disappointments.

goodbye, now he’s just somebody i used to know… and someone that  i saw naked

i dont want to name the son-of-a-bitch, but he’s a complete asshole

Sometimes you feel like you already met the person you are destined to be with forever, but then again, you’re wrong.

It had been almost 13 months since my last serious and committed relationship and I dont plan on having another one. I made a promise to myself that the next one that I will love will be my last. But I dont think it will be possible now.

"Where did you guys meet?" "Well, we met on camp. I never noticed him, he never noticed me. We never really spoke, until the last night… I remembered he asked me about my tattoos. He seemed interested and curious at the same time. We never really spoke after that, until we messaged each other on Facebook and he eventually asked me out, and yes, I said why not." I remembered it was March 17 when he asked me if I want to go out. I said yes, and then we watched a movie on the 21st. It was a normal movie date night, pop corn and all that crap, and when we were home, we said good bye, and there was this awkward hug I will never forget. On the 24th, we went out again and stayed at his place. It was our first kiss, he told me I was his first. I laughed at him, and he kissed me again and told me: "Ikaw nga ang una." then he joked "I’ll remember you forever.

Days passed, we spoke all night over the phone. Talked about random things and the things we dream about, the plans we have, the things we wish we could have. I thought to myself, “why not consider to go for someone who pushes you to dream bigger? Why not consider being with a dreamer as well?”

I thought I had my guards up. Thinking it will be very difficult for me to back down once I have decided that I wanted to be with him. It had only been a month and I felt like there is more for us to know about each other. I know I have to think everything over because I dont want to end up making the same mistake of falling in love again and falling for the wrong person… but what if it’s already too late?

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

—   J.R.R. Tolkien

breathtaking, adj.

"those mornings when we kiss and surrender for an hour
before we say a single word.”

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